My period was supposed to be a few days ago. I don’t feel different, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to. I bought a pregnancy test at the pharmacy the other day because they were beside the pink eye medication. And I had pink eye. So I was like, sure. This will come in handy at some point I’m sure. Save myself a trip. 

I woke up this morning and was like. Yeah, I feel like peeing on a stick today. So I did. 

I mean, statistically speaking the chances of my actually being pregnant are pretty small. Brin’s been gone most of this month, so there’s basically a 3-day window in which this would’ve had to have occurred. Not to mention, I went off birth control like a month ago. That would be some speedy and determined sperm, just sayin’. 

After I peed on it, I put the stick down by the sink and causally scrolled my Instagram feed. Between swipes my mind naturally contemplates between the potential outcomes. 

What if I’m pregnant? 

My stomach drops, anxiety jumps in and starts making my brain scroll a mile a minute. I’m mentally compiling a list of supplies and tasks all of which must be done by tomorrow of course. Before I can grab my pen and start writing this epically endless list of things to prepare, my brain jumps in – but what if you’re not? Ahhh, sweet relief. A sense of calm. Everything is fine. Everything stays the same. But a few seconds pass and I notice a creeping inkling of disappointment. 

Self reflection: Fascinating. I’m disappointed. That means I actually want this. Weird. 

That sense of disappointment is quickly followed by… what if I’m infertile? What if I can’t have babies, like ever? What if there’s something wrong with me and I only have one viable ovary – or I ran out of eggs? Or maybe they messed up and I haven’t even had a uterus all along??? 

Oh anxiety. You are so amazing. You can just make yourself welcome at any party, it’s so impressive! 

After an unmeasured time of my anxiety bouncing back and forth between Am I or Aren’t I, I go back and look at my stick… 

wtf. 

Come on. This is rude. 

There is the faintest little line in the yes window. Like, not a real line, but rather this pathetic excuse for a line. 

A faint line? What the hell does a faint line mean? This leaves me with no further clarity I had before I was in the situation of being late for my period. I return to the mental ping-pong game of Am I or Aren’t I. 

Alright, this is a job for google. 

I click on the article that says “Faint Positive Home Pregnancy Test: Am I Pregnant?” – this should help clarify things! 

I scroll through, mostly skimming because who needs the formalities of this mumbo-jumbo missed periods blah blah. 

The first bold print, title pops up: You’re Pregnant. 

Omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg. MAKE THE LIST. GET THE PEN. MAKE THE LIST. 

I skim, and scroll further. 

Another bold print title pops up: You’re Not Pregnant.

WTF ARTICLE. THANKS FOR CLARIFYING NOTHING. Who published this? The world’s most unhelpful person of all time?? Jeez Louise.

I am now kind of emotionally raw; I feel kind of abused by my own brain. So the summary of this article is that I could indeed be pregnant – or I’m not, and what I see is actually an evaporation line. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to just pretend today never happened and carried on in an ignorant state like none of this ever occurred.  

Funny thing about that. If you think that you may have some even small percent chance of being pregnant … your brain doesn’t actually let you pretend that today never happened. No, instead you stay in the anxiety tornado back and forth between the possibilities of what may or may not be happening. It’s SUPER. 

I’ve decided to wait a week and try peeing on a stick again.