Good afternoon. Welcome to my vagina, would you like to sit down? Please, make yourself comfortable.

It seems to be a hot topic these days. Everyone’s all about the uterus and vaginas and what’s going on all up in there. So I thought I would take this opportunity to give you a full behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like to have a vagina. 

Vaginas are a lot of work. Maybe you had to deal with the odd untimely boner – but try getting your period for the first time. Picture this: You think you’re sick. You leave school in the middle of history, and have no idea what’s happening until you get home, go to the bathroom and it looks like a Freddy Kruger movie. You quickly learn there are no pads in the house and you have no clue how to use a tampon. Also, to a 13 year old, those Always brand cardboard applicator tampons may as well have been the size of a zucchini. So you just sit in the bathtub and cry until your mom comes home. 

No… nothing? Just me then. Okay. 

My mom lovingly congratulated me into womanhood; I soon found out that this would be my new life, every 28 days. I was to simply get used to the whole wanting-to-pull-your-uterus-from-your-body-because-it-feels-like-it’s-a-miniature-version-of-Rocky-Balboa-is-trying-to-take-you-down-from-the-inside thing. 

It’s around that time you become hyper aware of how to avoid rape. It weird, because no one really out-and-out talks about it, so I didn’t actually know what rape was, I just knew how to avoid it. It was constantly reinforced by teachers and parents: be careful, don’t walk alone, and if a man is walking toward you, cross the street… it didn’t even seem weird. So normal to just start becoming aware and adapting to this new way of avoiding harm. It was learning to look both ways before you crossed the street. Just now instead of cars, we’re watching out for predatory men. That’s normal, right?  

Alright, well onward and upward. Let’s move on to consensual sex. That’s better right? Sex is always fun. 

NO. Losing your virginity sucks. Not in the aw, that sucked but it’s okay, it’ll be better next time way. It is straight-up AWFUL. And I was one of the few that wasn’t drunk, I had a loving boyfriend and a completely pressure-free experience. So basically, I had the best possible environment for a positive experience… and it still sucked. I was also under this naive impression that your first time hurt, but then it was all good and everything was fine after that. NOPE. It was a process. Sex hurt for like, a year or so? I think. God… why did I keep doing it? That’s dedication people. 

Okay so time passes and let’s say that eventually sex becomes fun. You might have to wait for your mid-twenties before a guy actually figures out how to help you have an orgasm, but eventually it happens. So you go around and you have all the sexy times (safely, because you care about your body and you’re a woman of the 21st century so you carry your own damn condoms) – and then what happens? UTI. BLAMMO! Yeast Infection. BAM! You have all the fun sex and then you get an infection. Your sexual liberation is rewarded with an INFECTION. YAY! I once had a bladder infection so bad I couldn’t stand up. I crawled to the bathroom. After it was treated I had to get up at least 3 times a night to pee and it took over a year to get to a point that I could sleep the whole night without having to go to the bathroom. Good times, good times. 

Okay. Millennials. I love you my bothers and sisters. But why. WHY did we make the Brazilian Wax a thing? Holy Mother of Christ. Occasionally, I have taken these small precious moments after having received a Brazilian in which I gently pat my newly naked mole-rat looking genitals and apologize that I wasn’t born in an era that appreciates a solid bush. #bringbackthecarpet

I can only speak from my own experience which at this point includes none of the vaginal trauma associated with birth. So we’ll all take this moment to shout-out the women that have sacrificed themselves, their vaginas and the reliability of their bladders to ensure that our species lives on. Whenever someone tells me their birthing story I will (after regaining my composure – I’m quite squeamish) mentally salute them with the same intensity and respect as one of those dudes from Saving Private Ryan. ‘Cause as far as I’m concerned, that is some next level shit.

I wonder if the dudes that are taking women’s rights away have acknowledged that they originated from a vagina. I wish I could graphically remind them. Maybe that’s why they’re so adamant about it all. Because they know, deep down, that if their mother knew how much of an dickhead they’d become, she would’ve aborted them. So it’s in their best interests to keep their population alive! Long live ignorant dickheads! Maybe if everyone took a moment to appreciate where they came from we’d have less ignorant dickheads and more enlightened vaginaheads. Or something. I hope that it’s understood by the majority of the population that no one who is Pro-Choice is running around saying ‘Abortion is awesome!’ or ‘Abortion is the preferred method of dealing with anything!’ All anyone wants is their own right to make the decision themselves. Duh. Has anyone tried the opposites game? What if a political party was attempting to legally enforce abortion in certain circumstances? There would be uproar there too. It’s the choice that’s being fought for. Not the procedure itself.

What else have I gotten to experience with a vagina… oh! This is fun. With my glorious vagina I have had the experience of awkwardly laughing myself out of mildly threatening situations. I’ve avoided dark allies, learned self-defence techniques (thank you dad), I have had sex not because I wanted to, but to avoid hostility; and I have felt that my safety was truly jeopardized when I didn’t return a certain man’s advances. 

Being a woman is a f**king trip people. 

I always agreed with it. Women are the weaker sex. I thought: My mum can’t lift as much weight as my dad, and therefore she is weaker. But man, age gives you some serious perspective. I have observed women, I have listened to women… and I can tell you for certain. They are strong AF. 

You know what takes strength? Going to work the day after a rape. A woman has done that. 

Strength is protecting your kids by taking the abuse of your husband on yourself. It’s fighting to be heard and seen, or to be quiet until someone finally listens to you. Strength is telling your side of the story even when no one will believe you or take you seriously. Strength is living through the trauma of rape only to find out you are now pregnant and now have to have an invasive and risk-ridden medical procedure to avoid a lifelong reminder of an instance you are trying to move past. Strength is making the decision to sacrifice a human you created in your own body for the greater betterment of it’s life and your own. 

If strength were just muscle – oh what a simple world it would be. But it’s so much more than that. 

I could list for days the strengths that women have embodied, but I don’t have to, because you know women are strong. You’ve seen it. And if you haven’t seen a woman be strong, then your eyes are not open. 

So what’s it like to have a vagina? It’s pretty messed up. It’s scary. And it’s pretty f**king powerful. 

So if you haven’t picked up on it already, after much practice and years of experience, we’ve got this covered. Thank you so much for your weighing concern, but we truly do know what’s best for our own genitalia. 

So please, unless you are invited, stay out of my vagina. 

Thank you.